Every year at this time I struggle with the shame of my mixed feelings about Ramadan approaching.
Although I hold my childhood memories of family gatherings over prayers, feasts, and quality time with fondness, I’m also reminded of my struggles with restriction, binging, and fear of weight gain for the duration of the holy month.
It’s difficult to explain how you can respect a religious pillar and its spiritual significance on one hand, while on the other you can still feel dread and apprehension weeks before it even begins. You can’t say it out loud for fear of the stigma surrounding anything negative being mentioned around Ramadan, so you find yourself having to power through it all – the fasting, feasting, and unrelenting social obligations – while pretending to be as ‘normal’ and excited as everyone else.
But this year something changed for me. I realize now that what I’ve been doing goes against the very nature of Ramadan and all it stands for. God – unlike people – understands exactly what we go through and doesn’t expect us to deny our emotions, but to acknowledge and explore them. I don’t feel any more guilt around my fear of the holy month anymore because it is that very fear that makes my participation in whatever capacity I am able to fulfill more meaningful.
I still have difficult days and sometimes I wonder if it would ever get better, but then I remind myself that I’ve already come so far. By letting go of the guilt and shame of my feelings around Ramadan, I am able to navigate it with more success rooted in self-compassion – even with a 30-year history of body image and food struggles.
